I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
