My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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