APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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