What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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