I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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