Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
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he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
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A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.