I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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