the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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