If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
