i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
