What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
