guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
