Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
