She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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