I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
