I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I need a beard to bite.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
