when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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