Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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