Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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