Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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