Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
