if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
