well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
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What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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