I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
oh god the rape fog is back!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
