As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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