do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
