The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
