your parents love me but you hate me
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
