Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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