I can text with my tongue
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
