Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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