At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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