went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
