she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just found puke in my bra..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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