My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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