so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
