she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize