Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
