You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
