I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Of course I have a pirate flag
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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