all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
