I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
