I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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