We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
