omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
