I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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