My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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