My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
