he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
