the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
