I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
