Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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