I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
